Picture credit : http://pics.myspew.com
Mr Z, another unemployed, err retired pharmacist (we shall keep his identity confidential for reasons which becomes obvious when he opens his mouth) fresh from a trip to the UK sent us the May 12, 2007 Daily Squib headline screaming “Semen Proven to Increase Life Expectancy”
He attested just as loudly “I been telling them this and they don't believe me. Taste like sashimi anyway unless they don't like raw fish”. The “them” probably refers to the many SYTs that had slipped through his snares in his youth.
He got us all very excited, of course. But once the euphoria is spent (we climaxed?), we embarked on a little fact-finding tour. We “googled” the wonders of semen and got the abstract of a not so depressing treatise “Does semen have antidepressant properties?” by Gallup GG Jnr, Burch RL and Platek SM, published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour in June 2002. You can access the abstract HERE.
The connection between semen and depression got Tiffany Kary of Psychology Today interested and she published a review of the paper HERE in September 2002.
We are quite sure that Eileen Dover of the Daily Squib had written “Semen Proven to Increase Life Expectancy” as a satire when we compared her article (in blue) with Tiffany's, as seen below. We have also not been able to locate Dr Clifford J. Ponsonby at the State University of Washington in Saint Louis nor his research paper “Why Women Need More Semen”.
Women who make regular contact with semen live longer and age less than women who do not, scientists have discovered.
The finding that women who swallow semen and do not use condoms during vaginal sex, live longer and have reduced signs of ageing, has led one researcher to conclude that semen is a miracle potion that should be treasured by every woman.
The finding that women who do not use condoms during sex are less depressed and less likely to attempt suicide than are women who have sex with condoms and women who are not sexually active, leads one researcher to conclude that semen contains powerful—and potentially addictive—mood-altering chemicals.
Male sperm contains vital chemicals that slow down the ageing process and increases life expectancy by up to 35%.
Study author Clifford J. Ponsonby, Ph.D, a psychologist at the State University of Washington in Saint Louis, also found that women who routinely had intercourse without condoms or had facials had better skin quality and wrinkled less plus also had the ability to ingest fatty foods without putting on weight.
Study author Gordon G. Gallup, Ph.D., a psychologist at the State University of New York in Albany, also found that women who routinely had intercourse without condoms became increasingly depressed as more time elapsed since their last sexual encounter. There was no such correlation for women whose partners regularly used condoms.
Ponsonby's survey of 753 college women and eastern European prostitute's over a 45 year period, also found that those who ingested semen regularly either orally or through vaginal intercourse had a better over all quality of life and would be wealthier in jobs/life.
"These women have a remarkable ability to achieve serious longevity without showing any signs of ageing, this is the key to life," says Ponsonby.
Gallup's survey of 293 college women also found that those who did not use condoms were most likely to initiate sex and to seek out new partners as soon as a relationship ended. "These women are more vulnerable to the rebound effect, which suggests that there is a chemical dependency," says Gallup.
Semen contains powerful hormones including testosterone, oestrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins. Once these chemicals are absorbed through the vaginal walls they inhibit weight gain and slow down the ageing process.
Semen contains hormones including testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins, and some of these are absorbed through the walls of the vagina and are known to elevate mood.
Women who ingested semen orally were also found to increase their ability to succeed in jobs and wealth as well as brain power and have beautiful ageless glowing skin.
Ponsonby controlled for variables including method of semen extraction, frequency of sexual intercourse, as well as the women's perception of their relationship.
Gallup controlled for variables including method of contraception, frequency of sexual intercourse, as well as the women's perception of their relationship.
The longer that women went without ingesting semen the more accelerated the ageing process was found to be. Furthermore, there was an immense risk of obesity and heart disease by abstaining from semen as well as increased depression.
He concedes that women who regularly have sex without condoms might share personality traits that make them less susceptible to depression. But the behavior most often associated with non-condom users is sexual risk-taking, and studies have found no correlation between high-risk sexual behavior and lower rates of depression.
Ponsonby's study, which he deems "the first serious attempt to investigate the effect of semen chemistry on women," has underlined his fascinating findings in the research treatise Why Women Need More Semen .
Gallup's study, which he deems "the first serious attempt to investigate the effect of semen chemistry on women," titillated the public and rankled some academics upon publication in Archives of Sexual Behavior.
Ponsonby says he has seriously enjoyed working with all his female subjects in the study and would like to replicate the study but this time with 5000 women.
Gallup says he has since replicated the findings with a sample of 700 women and will examine whether "semen withdrawal" places women at an increased risk for depression when they are premenstrual, menopausal or have just given birth, as many women abstain from sex during these periods.
"If you are a woman and wish to increase your life expectancy and overall health plus reduce any signs of ageing you must utilize the magical properties of semen," the groundbreaking study concludes.Well, Mr Z may have been misled over the power of semen but do you think he is right about its "sashimi" taste?