Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the literature from the box and read it, paying attention to the statement in fine print:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat aloud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'